Last week I presented the concept of multi-generational households – a trend that is growing in America. I have always thought that it made a lot of sense, especially financially, for several generations to share the same household. In many cultures, this arrangement is the norm. Modern Americans cherish the independence and privacy of single-family home ownership, a luxury that was often out of reach in previous generations and still is for families living in less affluent societies. Are multi-generational a viable option that should be considered, especially with regard to the prospect of caring for aging parents? Following are some rewards and potential conflicts that families have experienced, along with suggestions to help make this lifestyle congenial for all involved. First, some of the rewards:

• Sharing a home means sharing the financial burden, which can be beneficial at all stages of life. When we moved into my dad’s house, we took over all the utilities and household expenses, which meant his income from Social Security could be used for his personal needs. There was no mortgage; if the home in which you live or move into has a mortgage, it is imperative to put in writing who will be responsible for the monthly payments.
• Emotional and physical support for an older member of the family is readily available. If an elder just needs supervision or minimum assistance with activities of daily living just as dressing, toileting and bathing, sharing a home makes it convenient (and timesaving) to help meet those needs. If loneliness is a concern, being surrounding by family members is a great antidote. 
• Children learn valuable skills from their elders as they participate in daily life. Often, an amazing sharing of stories and wisdom also takes place. My children learned more about my dad’s history while we were living with him than they would have ever known otherwise. 
• Everyone benefits from social interaction that teaches respect for each other as well as how to solve difficulties. Studies have shown that elders who engage with children fare better physically and mentally, including exhibiting less depression. Children in turn, have a healthier view of the aging process. 

Of course, no home is without its conflicts, and these can be exacerbated in a household that includes young children, elders and those in between. Patience and understanding are important traits to be practiced.

• Being able to make one’s own choices such as meal schedule, television viewing and noise level are often mentioned as concerns. Flexibility and a willingness to take each person’s individual desires and needs into consideration are essential, along with being able to compromise. 
• Lack of privacy is a major cause of conflict. Everyone needs a space to call his own, especially for sleeping and personal needs. If multi-generational living is planned for the long-term, the most important addition may be a separate bathroom (handicapped accessible, of course).

If you are considering taking this step, first:

• Talk to other families who have experienced multi-generational living. Ask their advice.
• In the planning stage, decide who will be responsible for what expenses. It is best to put this in writing. If your loved one has asked someone else to serve as power of attorney, that person should be included in the discussion.
• If the senior member of your household is still active, encourage and support her lifestyle; guide as needed, but do not control.
• Likewise, children should not be expected to drastically alter their activities. Continue favorite family pastimes and outings. Include the new member of the household when appropriate, but also plan special times just for children/parents. 

As in any new or different experience, there will be some problems to solve; but sharing your home with elders may also provide a valuable and rewarding experience for each generation involved. 

Addend: Our entire extended family (my husband and I, four adult children with spouses, 25 grandchildren, and our grandson-in-law) just returned from a week at Indian Beach, North Carolina as guests of our daughter Amy, her husband Hoyt and their children, Hoyt IV, Aiden, Meia, Adara, Mahri and Havilah. I will sum up our first complete-family getaway in almost five years in one word – AWESOME! The gorgeous, spacious house on the beachfront; the infinity pool; the hot tub; the expansive ocean views; the gourmet kitchen; the numerous porches, loggias and balconies…well, you get the picture. Every couple and cuzzie (cousins) group had their own private sleeping quarters/bath to which they could retreat when not joining in one of the abundant family activities. There were two complete kitchens, including the aforementioned “gourmet” with six gas burners plus grill set-up. This made it possible for Grammy and Papa to deliver on three “breakfast for everyone” events. On our last family beach trip, we cooked breakfast every morning – but there were ten less grandchildren and we were five years younger – makes a difference. Each family was responsible for their other meals. Papa and I were invited to share one dinner with each family which left only three nights we were on our own. Sandwiches, seafood out and leftovers took care of that. We did not go hungry.

Although this was a short-term vacation, not a long-term living arrangement, on the third day I began to recognize some topics that should be discussed before you embark on a multi-generational living arrangement; if you are already in one that is not sailing as smoothly as you had hoped, these are some areas you may want to revisit.  I will not go into detail (that is your responsibility) but list the subjects that came to my mind. Whether it is my fondness for alliteration, or the fact that I was beside the “sea” all the points began with the letter “C.” When I was down beside the sea, a list of “c” words came to me:

• Consideration
• Communication
• Common spaces versus private ones
• Consensus
• Contract – especially when dealing with financial matters
• Cleanliness
• Clutter level
• Comfort
• Charity (that’s the Biblical word for LOVE – and is all important)

Caring Quote: “Families coming together is not a shameful thing; it’s the roots of our country.” – Donna Butts, executive director of Generations United