Caregiver to Caregiver

“Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be,” is the first line from the poem Rabbi ben Ezra which was written by Robert Browning and published in 1864. The verse continues: “The last of life, for which the first was made: Our times are in His hand Who saith, ‘A whole I planned, youth shows but half; trust God: see all, nor be afraid!’”

Average life expectancy at that time was about forty years old. Today in America, life expectancy is 81.2 years for females and 76.4 years for males. That is a few more years to grow old together. 

As couples age, invariably there will come a time when one of them will be called upon to provide care for the other. More often than not, the woman will be the chosen one; but not always. Recent studies have shown the rate of male spousal caregivers is rapidly increasing. Accident or debilitating illness can strike at any time, but dementias including Alzheimer’s disease continue to be the main reason for the need of caregiving at home. 

Whatever the cause, couples need to have “the discussion” before that day dawns upon them. Knowing your spouse’s desires and expectations will help you make the right decisions for care when the time comes. Spouses often assume that if their husband or wife is no longer able to make healthcare decisions, this responsibility will be exclusively theirs.While spouses are generally considered at the top of the hierarchy, other family members may challenge decisions. The simple fix for this potential legal tangle is to complete an Advance Health Care Directive, which can be obtained from healthcare providers as well as online. If needed, an elder care attorney can advise you in completing this form as well as other estate-planning documents such as a will. 

If the time has already come for you – if you are your spouse’s caregiver – I don’t need to tell you what a demanding yet rewarding responsibility you have. Some days will seem overwhelming, just as other days will give you much pleasure. Here are some ideas gleaned from spousal caregivers to help you not only cope, but thrive in your role.

• Continue to participate in activities outside the sphere of caregiving that restore your physical, emotional and spiritual energy – and do not feel guilty about it!
• Ask for and be open to receive assistance from others. No one can do everything on his or her own. Turn to family members, friends, your church, healthcare providers, and community agencies. 
• You may be a caregiver for a few months…or many years. Be grateful for the past, patient in the present, and hopeful for the future. (And from the words of Robert Browning – trust God and do not be afraid.)
• Remember the importance of taking care of yourself; neglecting your own physical needs only decreases the level of care you will be able to provide. 
• Remember and celebrate the pre-caregiving days. Look through photo albums together; reminisce by recalling special times you shared. Read old love letters. Play your favorite music from the past and be sure to include your special song. Smile. Laugh. Snuggle.
• Never stop seeing the person you care for as your spouse. Even though you have been cast in a different role, do whatever you can to assure the bond of love and intimacy remain. 

Caring Tip: The next time you see someone who is a spousal caregiver, instead of asking, “How is your husband or wife?” ask, “How are you doing?” Then, listen.