The Best Gift to Leave Behind
Last week I ran into the daughter of an old friend of my dad’s. He passed away last year from a combination of cancer and Covid. As we reminisced about our beloved dads, she gratefully acknowledged how well her dad had prepared for his death. She detailed how meticulous he had been in making sure every legal document, bank account, and funeral plan was in place. It was a gift for which she and her brother would always be grateful.
That conversation reminded me of an article I had written for my newspaper column several years ago and I decided to pull it up and share it with you today. It began with a question from a reader:
“My husband and I, who are now in our 70’s, have never been able to talk about our funerals. Recently a good friend died and his wife, who was already exhausted from years of caregiving, had a terrible time making all the arrangements. This has made us realize we should plan for the inevitable. We have three adult children. Should we include them? I would appreciate some ideas.”
Response: One day while having lunch with my three daughters, I casually mentioned that when I die, I want to be cremated. (Okay, so maybe lunch wasn’t the best place to have this conversation.) Their looks of dismay were followed by the suggestion that I discuss this issue with their brother, Benjamin. “He can handle it,” Emily, the youngest, asserted. When I informed Benjamin of my wishes, his response was a quick, “Sure, Mom.”
Some people handle, better than others, discussing end-of-life issues – whether it is their own or a family member’s. The decision to include your children or not should be dictated by your personal desires and by answering this question: Do you think their presence will help or hinder your decisions? By addressing this difficult subject now, you will not only alleviate the burden that can weigh heavily on family members simultaneously experiencing grief, but you will also ensure that your requests will be honored.
Funeral homes offer preplanning services as well as the opportunity to prepay. The National Funeral Home Directors (NFDA) has developed the Bill of Rights for Funeral Preplanning. This resource (available online) will help you understand what to expect if you choose this option.
You and your husband may feel more comfortable discussing your plans with each other for now. If so, you need to record the answers to several questions such as what type of service (funeral or memorial) and where it should be held; whether you want a separate viewing or wake; preference for an open or closed casket (or if you want your red stilettos to show, à la Aretha Franklin); and if you prefer burial or cremation.
You may also want to note whom you want to officiate and provide music; suggest scriptures and songs to be used; and list out-of-town relatives and friends who should be notified.
It will be helpful if you provide personal and family information that will be needed for the eulogy or obituary, or even consider writing your own. Do you want flowers or would you prefer donations to a charity? Do you have a special request for wording on your gravestone? Any other details that are important to you should be included.
Once you have your plans in writing, keep a copy and provide one to a trusted family member. Although most people do not consider preplanning a pleasant task, thinking of it as a gift you give your family to ease their burden and give them the comfort of knowing they have carried out your final wishes may make it more tolerable.
Caring Quote: Happy is the person who knows what to remember of the past, what to enjoy in the present, and what to plan for in the future. – Arnold H. Glascow