Caregiver to Caregiver

October 7, 2018

Twenty years ago I became a full-time caregiver for the first time. My dad, at age 87, had been showing increasing signs of dementia since my mom passed away three years previously. Sensing he should no longer live by himself, I volunteered to be his caregiver. I wanted to take care of Daddy; he had always taken such good care of me. My four older sisters concurred.

Even though at the time our family (my husband Randy and our four children, Benjamin, Rachel, Amy and Emily) were living in the basement of a hundred-year old church in Red Hook, a gritty neighborhood in Brooklyn, New York where for almost ten years we had been involved in urban ministry, we agreed we should return to my childhood home in Burlington, NC and take care of Daddy. He still lived on the farm he had bought during the Great Depression.

Most of our married life, Randy and I had lived away from Burlington, although we visited often. My heart was yearning to make up for the years and I remember asking God “for at least a year with Daddy.” He gave me almost five.

They were fulfilling. They were challenging. I am so grateful for the precious moments we had with daddy, and the special memories that became a part of me.

On January 20, 2003, my sweet Daddy died in my arms. I did not grieve. God had answered his frequent prayer: “Lord, take me home to be with you.” I had the honor of witnessing his glorious homegoing. I would never be the same.

Daddy’s passing left within me a void and a desire, so at the age of 52 I enrolled in nursing school at a nearby community college. After receiving my diploma (LPN) a year later, I embraced my new career as a charge-nurse in long-term care. The next seven years were rewarding. I loved the patients and family members. Some aspects of the job were difficult, even disturbing. After being deemed a “stellar” nurse by the previous director of nursing, a new one “let me go” before she had even met me.

Believing all things work together for good, I grew thankful that my second-shift, every-other-week-end job was no longer hampering our family life which now included 15 grandchildren. Ten years earlier I had begun writing a book; it seemed like the right time to complete it.

When I attended a writer’s workshop before the publication of my first (and to date, only) book, Or Be Reconciled (an inspirational novel about the sanctity of marriage) the speaker suggested several ways to attract an audience. One was to write for a local newspaper. With the guidance of one of my favorite columnists, Lori Borgman (www.loriborgman.com), I presented a proposal to the editor of the Burlington Times News, suggesting a column in which I would “inform and encourage family caregivers.” His almost immediate reply was,  “Great Idea!” (Although I had been married 40 years and marriage was the subject of my book, I believed a weekly column about caregiving would be welcomed and helpful, not to mention more in my area of expertise.)

Thus, Caregiver to Caregiver began a six-year run and was widely acclaimed (well, at least in Alamance County), opening the door for me to meet and get to know countless caregivers as well as speak to various groups about the challenges and rewards of taking care of loved ones.

Then, a new editor came to town. During our first conversation I recognized immediately that he was as liberal as I was conservative. Still, he allowed me to continue writing for almost a year before informing me, “It’s too Christian.” This was in response to a column in which I briefly mentioned prayer as being an important aspect of a caregiver’s arsenal (along with planning and prioritizing).

In response, I am taking Caregiver to Caregiver directly to caregivers; and yes, I am a Christian and write from that perspective. My experience has shown that many people appreciate that viewpoint.

The first post is the column my former editor refused to publish. Coming soon is a series reflecting my recent experience of seeing caregiving “from the other side.” Ever heard of Guillain–Barré syndrome? I had, once before, many years ago…and then…

I plan to post a new column each week. Comments and questions are welcome. If you prefer, I can send the columns directly to your email. Simply use the subscription form at this link and ask to be added to my mailing list.

I will also be posting some columns that were previously published in the newspaper, arranged according to topic (see archives).

In my heart, I believe caregivers are outstanding individuals who face frequent challenges and value support. Sometimes their greatest need is to converse with other caregivers. My desire continues to be to encourage and inform those who have accepted this role and assist them (and their care recipients) on their journeys.

Blessings,

Ruth Z. W. Johnson