My daughters, their children and I were just finishing lunch on the screened porch. It was a beautiful September day; finally cool enough to be comfortable outside. “I think I’ll just sit here and let you all clean up; I’m getting old, you know,” I proposed, partly in jest, as I usually take care of that aspect myself (even though they always offer and assist), knowing they have their hands full with the little ones.

When the daughters looked at me suspiciously, I added, “Welcome to the sandwich generation.” 

According to the Oxford Journal, the term sandwich generation was first used in 1981 by social worker Dorothy Miller to define the segment of the middle age generation that provides support to both young and older family members. Typically, in their thirties, forties or fifties, these family members are not only bringing up their own children but are also facing the new responsibilities of caring for aging parents. 

According to Pew Research, almost half of adults in this age group have parents who are 65 years of age or older and are caring for their own children. Some are also providing support (housing, financial needs, college etc.) to grown children over the age of 18.  

Being “sandwiched” between these two diverse age groups that have vastly different needs presents challenges to the caregiver. Many consider time their number one concern. Especially for working adults – and the majority of these caregivers are – it seems practically impossible to meet all of their obligations. Out of necessity, career, children, and parents become the priority (not necessarily in that order). But what about your spouse? And what about yourself? 

The golden rule of caregiving – take care of you – is as important as ever to someone in the sandwich generation. The schedule will often be jam-packed. But you cannot neglect your own spiritual, emotional and physical health and you must not neglect couple-time. Being remiss in your marriage relationship in order to take care of another family member is never a good idea. Sure, there will be sacrifices; but do not let your marriage be one of them. 

It is always a blessing when a husband and wife are on the same page regarding providing care for their elderly parents. Joining together in this endeavor not only makes the overall task easier, but observing your spouse provide love and care to an aging mom or dad helps you to view him from a new perspective and can provide a pleasingly deep quality to your relationship. On the other hand, having an uncooperative spouse who wantonly complains that he/she is being brushed aside is a warning sign that priorities need to be discussed and possibly reordered.

If possible, include all three generations in family activities. Most elderly people love being around children, and children can learn valuable lessons from interacting with their grandparents. Involve them in providing care when appropriate. For example, with instruction, they can assist with feeding, rubbing lotion on dry skin, readjusting pillows, reading to or with, or serving as a gofer when Papa or Grammy need something brought to them. Just conversing with and showing affection can contribute to all-a-round well-being. Helping to take care of a frail loved one is a great character builder for adults and children. Nevertheless, do not put too much caregiving responsibility on a young child or allow duties to drastically interfere with normal activities. Make sure to continue providing some meaningful family events that focus on the kids.  

Last but not least, those who find themselves in the sandwich generation must remember that there is no person who is able to meet everyone’s needs all the time. Therefore, you will sometimes have to say no. Setting boundaries is a caring deed. It indicates you want to do your best, and therefore you will not take on a load that is too much for you to carry. Though I want to do all I am asked to do intentions are virtuous, the result is too often being crushed beneath the load. 

Just as there are limitless types of sandwiches – Stan’s pimento cheese on toasted pumpernickel immediately comes to mind – there are a variety of types of families included in the sandwich generation. Whatever the make-up of your family, endeavor to prioritize the most important responsibilities; take care of yourself; communicate clearly; take each family member’s needs into account; strive to make sure everyone is included, and no one feels left out; and know when to say no. Following these guidelines will help to make caregiving experiences for those in the sandwich generation a more pleasant one.  

Caring Scripture:  But if they have children or grandchildren, these are the ones who should take the responsibility, for kindness should begin at home, supporting needy parents. This is something that pleases God very much. I Timothy 5:4