Did you ever see a robin weep,
When leaves begin to die?
Like me, he's lost the will to live
I'm so lonesome I could cry.

If ever a song has captured the essence of what it means to be lonely, it would have to be Hank Williams’ “I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry.” Have you ever been there?

Although we can experience loneliness at any time in our lives, seniors often are the group to feel the haunting sting of loneliness more acutely. According to a study conducted by researchers at the University of California, San Francisco, 18 percent of seniors live alone and 43 percent report feeling lonely on a regular basis. The same study concluded that the overall condition of seniors who experience loneliness declines more rapidly – both mentally and physically. 

There are many reasons elderly folk may feel this very real pain. Loosing a life-long mate is often given as the number one cause. If children are grown, with children of their own, the grandparents may feel that their once central role in the family dynamic has diminished. Health concerns may prohibit seniors from participating in social activities they previously enjoyed and found to be a source of emotional support. 

When asked, “Why are older adults so lonely?” T. Byram Karasu, M.D., chair of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine responded: 

“They are lonely because they are alone.” He noted that seniors placed in nursing facilities may face totally disorienting experiences, while those taken care of by family caregivers may also suffer from the loneliness that results when “there is little attention paid to deep, engaging communication between a senior and the rest of the family.” 

Whether your loved one is in a facility, or at home, you must make time to talk with them. Sitting on the edge of your dad’s bed in the nursing home while making cell phone calls to friends does not count. It is interesting that although we have more communication techniques readily available today than at any time in history, more people report feeling lonely than ever before.

We need to take steps to correct this. Make visits all about your visitor. Listen, talk, listen, reminisce. “Tell me more” is a beautiful phrase that encourages your loved one to dig deeper and expresses your enjoyment at being the listener. Even if you provide full-time care, make sure you set aside some time every day for one-on-one meaningful conversations. 

Many caregivers feel their hands are too full to entertain, but give it a try. Keep it simple: an afternoon tea for Mom and a few of her dear friends or a mid-morning breakfast for dad and his favorite co-worker from years gone by. Planned on a regular schedule, this could become a weekly highlight to not only enjoy, but to anticipate with great delight. The joy of expectation can make loneliness a little easier to bear. 

Consider inviting the younger members of the family for a “play-date.” Putting together a puzzle, painting a picture-by-number, or building a Lego city are just a few of endless possibilities. My husband is always telling me that he sees a sparkle in my eyes each time one of the grandchildren drop by. (I think he is just a little envious). Children, especially when they are well-behaved, do have the ability to brighten your day.

Check out community resources that provide activities for seniors. In our community, these are numerous and include everything from exercise to bingo to music to day-trips. Needing a caregiver does not necessarily relegate someone to being confined to home. There will come a time when outside activities will be limited or even no longer an option – but do not let that happen prematurely.

Always remember how important it is for your loved one to experience the comfort of touch. Holding hands, gentle hugs, and snuggling on the sofa are great antidotes to physical loneliness. And who doesn’t enjoy gentle arm, neck and back massages?

Elderly and lonely need not be synonymous. By being aware of the potential for loneliness in later years as well as remedies that can be used to address this situation,  we can help our loved ones sing a joyous tune,  rather than the sorrowful strains that began this column.