In the days following Daddy’s death, the sometimes-overwhelming duties of the past five years became a waning memory. Once relieved of the day-to-day responsibilities, caregivers tend to forget much of the labor aspect of their experience and remember the blessings. 

The nature of the relationship – whether a spouse, parent, or sibling – will of course, determine the extent of sadness felt after a loss. Other factors include the length of time spent in the caregiver role and one’s perspective on death and eternal life. I am thankful for the promise in scripture that as Christians we “do not grieve as those who have no hope.” (I Thessalonians 4:13)

Losing a spouse is often considered more difficult than losing a parent or other family member, but any loss hurts and requires time to heal. Adult children expect to some day lose their parents and therefore are usually able to accept this loss and move on with their lives. I was relieved that my grief was not overwhelming and that I did not experience debilitating sorrow. Of course, I missed Daddy, but I would have felt ashamed to settle into a period of intense grief considering he had lived a long, full life and was more than ready for his heavenly reward.

Some caregivers struggle emotionally with pangs of guilt because they experience a sense of relief when their loved one dies. When you have watched someone deteriorate to the point of death, especially over an extended time, it is normal to find some consolation in knowing they are no longer suffering. 

Because a hectic schedule is often replaced with a less busy one, there may be days when a former caregiver feels lonely or unneeded. I know I did, even though I was still surrounded by people I loved and that loved me. Now I had more time for my other roles – wife, mom and Grammy. But not everyone has family or friends to help them cope.

Whatever the situation you find yourself in, as a former caregiver there is probably one question that seems to appear on your horizon each morning, especially after the first few weeks of mourning have passed: “What now?” 

Because I had succeeded – even thrived – as a caregiver, I began to realize I had an important responsibility: to bless others who were just beginning their journey. As I had opportunity, I shared with new caregivers about my experience and offered them tidbits of advice from the knowledge I had acquired. My heart was still overflowing from my experience and I wanted to encourage others who may have felt some trepidation about starting the caregiving journey. So many spouses or adult children become caregivers overnight, and they told me that hearing from someone who has already traveled that road provides valuable assistance.

By March, just two months after Daddy died, I was embarking on a new – and quite scary – endeavor. Before I was married, I attended one semester of nursing school but left to pursue other interests. Since then I had never considered pursing a nursing career – until now. The thought of returning to school at my age (52) seemed audacious; but soon this burning desire to become a nurse and work in long-term care – pushed me to seek that goal. I made a list of steps I had to take, and started taking them. It was not easy. Since my last biology class was in high school, I had to successfully complete a biology course. Other seemingly insurmountable obstacles included finding my immunization records from elementary school, taking entrance tests, going for interviews, and becoming a licensed nursing assistant. It was such a crazy time I do not remember many of the details. However, I do remember being accepted and placed on a waiting list. I told the admissions director, “I am fifty-two years old; I can’t wait too long.”

Classes were to begin in August. If preparing to attain my new goal wasn’t enough, I had a hysterectomy in July. All went well and I returned home in three days, only to develop an infection that sent me back to the hospital for five more days of treatment. The next week I traveled to Raleigh to take the tests that would earn me the title of certified nursing assistant. Two days before classes were to start, I was still on the waiting list. One more time I contacted the admissions director and pleaded. I remember her saying something similar to, “Well, at least three or four will drop out the first week; okay, I’ll let you give it a try.”

Nursing school made caregiving seem like child’s play. Some mornings I had to drive three hours (once in blinding snow) to arrive at the assigned clinical site at 7 a.m. We were only allowed 3 absences during the entire one-year program. I had perfect attendance. Being the oldest student in the class, I was drawn to the youngest student (I had a daughter her age). We made a good study team and developed a study group that helped us and other students tremendously. Of the thirty-two students enrolled on the first day of class, only fifteen graduated. I was grateful and relieved to be one of them. That’s enough about nursing school; just recalling these few details makes me feel light-headed. Truly, that year was one of the most difficult of my life. It was a wise investment. A month after graduation, I passed the state boards on my first try, becoming a LPN (licensed practical nurse) and began a seven and a half-year run (literally) as a charge nurse in two different nursing homes. Again, I will not go into detail. Those years were rewarding, enlightening, and grueling. Many nights (my shift of choice was second from 3 to 11 p.m.) on my way home, I would consider what I had seen and heard that day. Then I would thank God that He had given me the opportunity and ability to take care of Daddy at home. 

When that run ended, I developed and wrote a column – Caregiver to Caregiver– that ran weekly in our local newspaper for six years. The column was well received and opened the door for me to speak various groups on the subject of caregiving. I had the privilege of meeting and getting to know caregivers from every walk of life and came to the conclusion that caregivers are kindred spirits. I am also fond of saying, “Once a caregiver, always a caregiver at heart!” Though every former caregiver is not going to turn his or her experience into a lifestyle, as I did, I do believe all former caregivers can use their experience to bless others who accept this challenging role. 

While the situations and experiences of former caregivers do vary greatly, there are some common threads that can help all of us reweave our lives and answer the question, “What now?”

Rest. Sleep that was longed for during caregiving may become elusive now due to grief or loneliness, but your emotional healing will be easier once your body has recovered from long periods of sleep deprivation. If you are unable to attain uninterrupted sleep, talk to your health care provider. He may suggest short-term medication or refer you to a grief counselor. 

Reach out. Now is not the time to sequester yourself. What would we do without that initial outpouring of love and support from family and friends? As those visits and calls subside, consider joining a support group of others who are going through the grieving process. Renew friendships that fell by the wayside while your loved one was your priority. Having a confidant to whom you can express your feelings will be beneficial. A good friend may be more understanding than a family member, because everyone does grieve differently. 

A woman who recently lost her husband told me of some of her “coping mechanisms.” She now meets regularly with a group of “new friends who are mainly widows and truly understand what this journey is like.” .

Restart.Your life is a book and the chapter on caregiving has ended. It is time to begin the rest of the story. You may feel guilty considering new pursuits without your loved one – especially if you have lost your spouse – but I do not believe your spouse or parent or sibling would want you to feel that way. 

If you are like many long-term caregivers, you may not have had a real vacation in year. A longed-for vacation is probably a suitable step in the right direction. Last year a dear lady I have known since I was in high school experienced the death of her husband. She had provided loving care for him for years. She told me she had always wanted to travel to Israel. Guess what? She went to Israel and had a wonderful time. Not long after her return she began having some health problems and was eventually diagnosed with late-stage cancer. Just a year after losing her husband, she passed away. We never know. Grieving is probably not the best way to spend our time. 

If you are not yet at retirement age (and maybe even if you are), consider returning to a former job or seeking a new one. Being a caregiver teaches abundant life skills that enhance your ability to take care of yourself and others. Services you can provide as a volunteer are in high demand. Once you are sufficiently recovered, you may consider volunteering occasionally to provide respite time for a caregiving friend or family member. You know all too well what two hours of downtime can do to refresh and rejuvenate your weary body and soul. You may be more comfortable assisting in other ways such as housekeeping, laundry, transportation or providing a meal. Think back to those little acts of kindness that contributed to your well-being and do unto others.

Reflect. Be grateful that you had the privilege of serving as a caregiver. You accepted your role and served successfully because of love. Brenda Race on the website Empowering Caregivers says it well: “In a very real sense we have given our life for another…not out of obligation but out of LOVE! The ultimate test of LOVE for another! Then one day we wake up and our commitment has been released to a far greater LOVE in a place of no more pain or suffering! We grieve and then the process of finding our way back into the world begins anew.” 

Yes, there is life after caregiving. Embrace it.