Previously I had written about our plans to have my father-in-law come to live with us (see Across the plains, arts 1 – 3). Here is the follow-up.

We relished preparing a place for Roy in our home, converting the “parlor” of our 1930’s house into a comfortable bedroom with the best view in the house. The large west-facing window not only looks out over fields and forest, but also provides an exquisite sunset view on clear evenings. I had rehearsed in my mind how I would respond, if when we tucked him in at night, Roy expressed longings for his Oklahoma home: “That same sun you see setting here, will soon be going down over the plains of Oklahoma.” Just twenty-four hours before his plane was to arrive in Greensboro, Hospice delivered his bed and other needed equipment. We were all set.

Then my brother-in-law called. “Dad’s not coming.” Dire disappointment, accompanied by tears, was our first reaction. I think our children took it hardest. We had made so many plans to celebrate having Roy with us. Our grandchildren, most of whom have never met their great-grandfather, looked at us questioningly, as if to say, “Why is everyone so sad?” Even though the guest of honor was not present, we went ahead with our family dinner the next day, enjoying each other, remembering times we had shared with Grandpa, and lamenting occasions that were not to be.

We understood…it would have been a difficult move for Roy (although we were convinced that once he was settled in his new home, he would be fine). More difficult, perhaps, would it have been for Randy’s brother and two sisters, who had Roy close by all their lives, and had misgivings about the distance that would be between them.

As in every situation life brings our way, we learned from this experience:

• Hospice is a very helpful organization! One call to them was all it took to begin the process. They contacted Roy’s doctor in Oklahoma, who had referred him to Hospice, and took care of everything! When I made the call to let them know Roy would not be coming, they were just as gracious and helpful as when I called to request their services. Again, they took care of everything.
• In caregiving situations, not every family member is on the same page. Although providing the best possible care for the loved one should be the priority, the needs of everyone involved must be considered. Above all, love each other, regardless of the outcome.
• Do what you can. When we offered to care for Roy in our home (1,300 miles away), Randy’s siblings agreed that was the best choice, as the alternative was a nursing home. We concurred! But as the time for the move drew near, reservations about his moving so far away from his life-long home became a consideration. When the decision was made for Roy to go to a nursing home instead, I provided information about choosing a facility and monitoring care.
• Anticipation is a good thing. For a month, our family eagerly prepared for Roy’s arrival. It brought back lovely memories of the years we cared for my dad, and I felt a spring in my step as I looked forward to once again putting my nursing and caregiving skills to use. It endeared me to my husband, who considered me an “angel” for wanting to take care of his dad. And, I was able to clear out a bureau and an entire closet for Roy’s things. They are still empty, like a bit of our hearts.

Epilogue…this column was  written in July 2013, after the decision was made for Roy to stay in Oklahoma. He was placed in a nursing home near his hometown. The first night he fell and broke and hip. After surgery and an extended stay in the hospital, he returned to the facility. The first night back, August 24, 2013, Roy died peacefully in his sleep.