Several years ago I had the opportunity to attend a presentation by Dr. Gary Chapman Ph.D, author of the #1 New York Times bestseller,  The 5 Love Languages.

Previously, I had read his book which I found intriguing. Hearing him speak in person added a new dimension to the concept he espouses. He asserted that although our culture is obsessed with “love,” many people go to bed every night feeling unloved. After many years as a counselor, Dr. Chapman concluded there are five main ways that people express love emotionally – the five love languages. While each of these needs to be “sprinkled” into our “love storage” tanks, he suggests that every individual responds best to one particular language. In order to make someone feel loved, we must speak to him in his primary language. 

The five love languages defined by Dr. Chapman are quality time, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. When he challenged husbands and wives to discover each other’s language, it did not take Randy and me long to determine ours. Definitely, mine is acts of service. Nothing speaks love to me more than having my husband meet me at the door when I arrive home with a trunk full of groceries, especially when he says, “Go on in, I’ll get them.” Or to have him mosey around the kitchen while I’m preparing a meal just in case I need him to retrieve something from the top shelf or carry out the overflowing garbage. (And it doesn’t hurt when he sprinkles in a little physical touch with a quick peck on the neck while I’m standing at the sink peeling potatoes.) Randy’s love language is words of affirmation: thanks so much; that was really nice of you; you’re a hunk! Well, you get the idea. 

Dr. Chapman affirms that when we feel loved by people significant to us, life is lovely; but when our love tank is empty, we struggle emotionally. His first love language manuscript was directed toward married couples, but he has since added books for singles, those in the military, and parents of children and teens. As I perused his writings, of course my thought was, “How can these ideas benefit caregivers?” 

Excerpts such as “babies understand a loving touch long before they know the meaning of the word,” and “much misbehavior among adults grows out of an empty love tank,” can be applied to situations caregivers encounter. Do persons with dementia who no longer understand or use language still respond to a tender hug? Can some of those rude and obnoxious behaviors exhibited at sundown be attributed to a caregiver neglecting to speak the needed love language during the day? These are thought-provoking questions that can lead us to a thought-provoking dialogue.

As a nurse in long-term care, I took care of hundreds of patients with diverse backgrounds, emotional needs and behaviors. Although no two were identical, there was one common denominator: those who had frequent visits from family and friends coped much better in almost all areas than those who had infrequent contact with loved ones. Could it be that visitors were continually filling love tanks while the lonely residents frequently found theirs running on empty? I believe it is important to discover the love language of the one you care for and express it generously.

Sometimes I was responsible for as many as thirty-five patients. In these situations, I had about ten minutes with each one during an eight-hour shift. Showing love to each patient in his primary language helped me make the most of that time. 

Many of these dear ones craved physical touch. You can see this as you walk down the hall in a nursing facility and residents reach out to touch you. Some receive little of this nourishment, and for one whose main love language is touch, you can understand how they may become starved.

I remember Bessie* in particular. To my favorite CNA (because she did her work so well) and me, she was precious; but many of the staff considered her cantankerous. Why was she cooperative with us and less so with others? We showed her love through the language she understood. We hugged her, held her hand and were gentle in our actions. She would often confide that she felt others were “too rough.” I imagine that to someone whose main love language is physical touch, being treated roughly is the ultimate insult; no wonder she responded to them the way she did.

George* was a dignified gentleman with a feeble body but a sharp mind. He was self-conscious about his body and yearned for privacy (not always available in a facility). It was obvious his love language was not physical touch, but he was a vessel for words of affirmation. He had lived a successful life and responded well to being reminded of the contributions he had made. A few words of praise administered along with his medications lifted his spirits and kept him involved in his lifelong pursuit of helping others. 

Miriam* was a sweet lady who craved quality time. When I completed my care and started to leave her room, she would always implore me to stay. I tried to arrange my schedule so I could spend a few extra minutes with her each shift, especially on days when she had no visitors. While she shared whatever was on her mind, I gave her my full attention. She enjoyed talking about her family or sometimes asked me to sing with her. In return, she was always cooperative and pleasant; her love tank was being filled.

Mack* was completely bedridden and often exhibited defiant behavior. He had refused regular nail-care until I offered him a “manicure.” We chatted as I soaked, then gently cleaned and trimmed his grimy nails. For good measure, I massaged his calloused hands with lotion. He not only thanked me but began requesting me to cut his nails on a regular basis. Many times, as I raced by his room on the way to another patient, he would call out to me, almost always with a request to move this, pick up that or find something he had misplaced. Usually, it was a simple task and easy to fulfill; I would try to slow down my pace and accommodate his needs, always asking “Is there anything else I can do for you?” before going on my way. Mack’s love language was acts of service and as I performed these, his belligerence melted away. 

From my perspective, receiving gifts is the least-needed of Dr. Chapman’s five love languages, but from Audrey’s* viewpoint, a tangible gift was equivalent to love. She could easily be listed in the “top ten most demanding patients.” Several times she mentioned a decorative item she wanted for her room, so I decided to make one for her. She was delighted. Indeed, she immediately presented me a wish list to complete her room décor. At the time, I thought, “Uh-oh, I’ve started something…” but soon realized her love language was receiving gifts. Although she did not offer abundant thanks, she did become abundantly more cooperative as staff (she made her requests known to all) provided the little items for which she longed. Some even took the initiative and gave her gifts she didn’t expect – a method of heaping love on Audrey and others who share her love language.

Many care receivers, especially in facilities, have meager prospects of having their love tanks continually filled. Some have few visitors. The staff to resident ratio usually does not allow ample time to address everyone’s emotional needs. Even a person cared for at home may only have contact with one or two persons; and we know that serving as a caregiver can drain us physically and emotionally, leaving us little to share.

However, I have seen firsthand what a difference we can make by going the extra mile to show love in our actions, words and giving – whether time, services or gifts. As caregivers, we need to consciously practice the concept of filling the emotional love tanks of those we care for. If, on a regular basis, we “speak” the love language to which they most readily respond – and sprinkle in a little of all the other languages for good measure – we not only make our job more satisfying, but our recipients will reap the benefits of a love tank that is never empty but indeed runneth over. 

*Names have been changed to protect privacy. 

Caring Suggestions:

• Check out Dr. Chapman’s book online; you may want to purchase a copy.
• Take time to listen to Ed Ames sing My Cup Runneth Over with Love, a popular song of the ‘60’s (when popular songs had a lovely sound and were really easy to listen to); although it has a romantic theme, it goes well with other concepts of love languages
• Look up and read all the scriptures in the Bible that mention love – there are well over 500!