Last Saturday morning I woke up, rolled over, and started praying. The weekend after Thanksgiving is my self-imposed deadline for putting up Christmas trees. We have two – one on the screen porch (lights only) and one in our front room (lights and a profusion of ornaments both new and old – almost 50 years’ worth). Both trees are artificial and not the new-fangled ones that come with lights and set themselves up. The porch one has faux (that sounds so much better than fake) snow and pinecones. Having been purchased just a few years ago, it did come with lights…which I painstakingly removed because they were not the right color to match our other lights. The older one (about 20 years) has to be put together limb by limb. It probably should be replaced, as it sheds about as much as a real tree on New Year’s Eve. But it is over ten feet tall and almost reaches the ceiling. Have you priced a ten-foot-tall Christmas tree lately? As long as this one does not fall over, I am keeping it. Both have a year-round home in our attic. Fortunately, some of the menfolk had brought them downstairs the day before.

Randy had just come down with a painful back/leg/knee/ankle and would be out of commission. How would I put them up and string the lights by myself? That is what I was praying about. The phone rang. My daughter Rachel asked if I needed help with anything. I am very grateful when prayers are answered so quickly.

Rachel has nine children (one of whom is now married which means she has nine children and one son-in-law). She teaches the six younger kids at home (the others have graduated). She has a part-time job. She just redecorated her kitchen, including putting up shiplap and building a couple of shelves. Did I dare ask for her help? Yes. In a few minutes, she was standing with me on the screen porch, a large cardboard box between us. (She lives next door.)

In record time, the first tree was out of the box and standing tall. With a helper, draping the lights round and round was almost fun. Without a break, we headed for the front room and the more difficult task of attaching heaps of color-coded branches to a sturdy metal trunk. With inspiring Christmas carols playing in the background, we sipped hot tea, talked about Christmases past, and hung branches. The time flew by and before I knew it the lights were in place and the task had been accomplished. What a blessing! I thanked my daughter profusely and told her I could not have done it without her. A few days later, I ceremoniously hung all the ornaments on the tall tree, enjoying the memories each one brings to mind.

I believe we should always pray about needs, because God tells us to “pray about everything.”  He does care and answers prayers. If Rachel hadn’t called, I would have probably sent the word out that I could use some help. But I hesitated, knowing my daughters – who have 9, 6 and 5 children, respectively – also have a full schedule.

A recent AARP study revealed that only 46 percent – not even half – of family caregivers ask for or look for help. Why are caregivers so hesitant to express to others they could – at least occasionally – use some assistance? I have known a few lovely families that work together to make caregiving a team effort and they usually have all the help they need without going outside the family.

However, many times, there is just one person in the family who receives the official title of caregiver. She is usually highly motivated, accomplished and organized. Or not. Sometimes, the main qualification is “lives closest to Mom” or “only one not working full-time.” Still, the caregiver is apt to take his/her position seriously and commits to doing a great job.

In the beginning, his/her competence will shine. Caregiver and recipient are very happy. As time goes by, responsibilities increase, and it is evident that some help or more respite would be helpful. However, the caregiver may believe asking for help will make her look like a failure. Poppycock. A really successful person in any field knows how to delegate and what to delegate. Asking for help does not make you a weaker caregiver but a stronger one. 

The above may fall slightly in the category of “pride.” If it is pride that prevents you from reaching out to others to help you, remember that pride goes before destruction and God gives grace to the humble. I love the admonition/promise in James 4:10: Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord and He will lift you up.  

There are numerous reasons caregivers give for not requesting help when they need it. Some want to be in control and ensure things are done “their” way. Others are not keen about the loss of privacy (for self and recipient) they fear may result if another person is allowed to provide care. Occasionally a recipient refuses assistance from others, especially when personal care is involved. A few may be concerned he/she will cause a rift in the family if the responsibility to be caregiver was accepted without reservation, before realizing no one can do it all on their own. You do not want to hear, “You wanted to take care of Mom at home; we offered to put her in a facility.” Well, that is just not a nice response and shame on anyone who uses it.

Sometimes help from outside the family may provide the answer – neighbors, good friends, church family. Many of these people frequently ask, “What can I do to help?” and caregivers everywhere reply, “Thanks for asking but I’m good.” 

Note, the question was not whether you are good or bad but if you need some help. Learn to reply, “Oh, that would be such a blessing, yes, yes, thank you.” Then take the prepared “Needs list” out of your purse or pocket, check it over and fit an item on the list with the person offering assistance. 

• “Could you stay with Dad for two hours Thursday morning while I go to my doctor’s appointment? I had to cancel my last appointment.”

• “Would you mind coming over some morning and replacing the light bulb in the fixture on the front porch? I bought one two months ago but I don’t think I should climb up on the ladder.” (Of course, you would ask this of a strapping young man.)

• “Anytime you would like to bring supper over, that would be great. ______ (your spouse) and I eat anything – but not too much salt, please.”

Just some eclectic examples – but you get the idea. Do not be afraid (or too prideful) to accept offers of help. I have made many of those offers; mostly I’ve been met with, “I’m good.” I am always somewhat disappointed as my offers were sincere – and I believe most peoples’ offers are from the heart. Make their day while making your day easier by having a list ready and replying, “Oh, that would be such a blessing, yes, yes, thank you!”   (Note: practice this response often so you will be ready when someone asks.)

This Sunday afternoon, I’m relaxing at home, with two gorgeous Christmas trees to admire, listening to Christmas music and sipping hot apple cider. If I had not asked Rachel to help that morning, the trees would probably still be languishing in cardboard boxes instead of standing tall in all their splendor. I have never known a caregiver who could not use a little help. Accept it when it is offered. When you stand in need, ask.