Caregiver to Caregiver

It’s been many years since I realized that caregivers generally hold one of two philosophies concerning caregiving. The first, that it is a blessing to be a caregiver. The second, that being a caregiver is a burden. Count me in the first group. 

Occasionally, I am absolutely gob smacked at the negative views expressed by some articles on caregiving. Recently, I read one concerning “sharing your home with aging parents.” This idea that is often considered strange – or just taboo – in twenty-first century America has been practiced in other parts of the world for centuries. In many cultures, adult children would not think of allowing their elderly parents to live alone or be placed in a nursing facility.

As I read this piece, I felt something was definitely missing. Questions to be answered by potential caregivers revolved around having sufficient space, maintaining privacy, and the likelihood of peaceful interaction between the recipient and other family members. There were serious warnings of potential problems. Sure, there are matters to consider – but what about the most important question: Does my loved one need and want me to share my home with him/her?

When our family prepared to move back to North Carolina from Brooklyn, New York to take care of my dad, I had high expectations. My parents had deeded their house to me years earlier, and Randy and I were prepared to make needed repairs. We had been living in a hundred-year-old church basement for several years (that flooded every time there was a nor’easter), so I thought the transition would be easy. 

My second misconception was that Daddy would be thrilled to have his youngest daughter, her husband and three of their children (ages 10, 17, and 24) share his home. While he certainly appeared happy to see us, he seemed confused and a little put out that we were actually living with him. The awkward stage of our new living arrangement was short-lived, and we truly began to enjoy each other. 

As recently as the late nineteenth century, it was common for several generations of a family to live together in the same home. Changes in lifestyle – such as a decrease in the number of family farms and the creation of Social Security – helped influence the more independent housing arrangements that most families in our country adopted in the twentieth century and continue to practice today. In recent years and for various reasons, multi-generational households are once again trending, but are still in the minority. Today in America, over 57 million people or about 18% of the population live in a housing unit with three or more generations (what the U.S. Census Bureau defines as a multi-generational household). The two most common types are those headed by grandparents that include children and grandchildren, and those headed by the middle generation that includes their parents and their children.

Several factors influence this trend, including postponing marriage, the economy, and immigration (the culture of many immigrants supports this way of life). Another influence is health issues, especially those concerning longer life expectancy that is often accompanied by chronic illness and the need for a caregiver. 

From my point of view, multi-generational households make a lot of sense, especially financially.  This arrangement is the norm in some societies, precisely because it is less expensive to share a home than to have separate ones. Modern Americans cherish the independence and privacy of single-family home ownership, a luxury that was often out of reach in previous generations and still is for families living in less affluent societies. Is it a viable option that should be considered, especially regarding the prospect of caring for aging parents? Following are some rewards and potential conflicts that families have experienced, along with suggestions to help make this lifestyle congenial for all involved. First, some of the rewards:

• Sharing a home means sharing the financial burden, which can be beneficial at all stages of life. When we moved into my dad’s house, we took over all the utilities and household expenses, which meant his Social Security could be used for his personal needs.
• Emotional and physical support for an older member of the family is readily available. If an elder just needs supervision or a little assistance getting ready for bed, living in the same house makes that convenient.
• Children learn valuable skills from their elders as they participate in daily activities; often an amazing sharing of stories and wisdom also takes place. My children learned more about my dad’s history while we were living with him than they would have ever known otherwise. 
• Everyone benefits from social interaction that teaches respect for each other as well as how to solve difficulties. Studies have shown that elders who engage with children fare better physically and mentally, including exhibiting less depression. Children in turn, have a healthier view of the aging process. 

Of course, no home is without its conflicts, and these can be exacerbated in a household that includes young children, elders, and those in between. Patience and understanding are important traits to practice to avoid these clashes.

• Being able to make one’s own choices (such as meal schedule and television viewing) and noise level are often mentioned as concerns. Flexibility and a willingness to take each person’s individual desires and needs into consideration are essential, along with being able to compromise. 
• Lack of privacy is a major cause of conflict. Everyone needs a space to call his own, especially for sleeping and personal needs. If multi-generational living is planned for the long-term, the most important addition may be a separate bathroom (handicapped accessible, of course).

If you are considering taking this step, first:

• Talk to other families who have experienced multi-generational living. Ask their advice.
• In the planning stage, decide who will be responsible for what expenses. It is best to put this in writing. If your loved one has asked someone else to serve as power of attorney, that person should be included in the discussion.
• If the senior member of your household is still active, encourage and support her lifestyle; guide as needed, but do not control.
• Likewise, children should not be expected to drastically alter their activities. Continue favorite family pastimes and outings. Include the new member of the household when appropriate, but also plan special times just for children/parents. 

As in any new or different experience, there will be some problems to solve; but sharing your home with elders offers the opportunity to provide a valuable and rewarding experience for each generation involved – a blessing, not a burden.