Question: Recently my 91-year old mother’s health began to decline. She now needs 24-hour supervision, and I am the one providing it. My concern as her caregiver is the constant number of people that come to visit that don’t seem to understand that she’s not the same as she used to be. Some people don’t know when to go home. Others come in and say, “I came to give you a break.”

You are not giving me a break if you’re sitting in my way and my mother feels she has to entertain you until you leave. If I can’t leave for a few hours and come back, it’s not a break.

My question is: What is a reasonable time limit for visiting and between what times should someone visit? I don’t think some even think about the caregiver. When my mother dozes off to sleep, I could rest or finish up a task like meal prep or cleaning; but some visitors stay even when she is napping. We are early to rise and late to bed. Thanks. A New Caregiver

Answer: Whew! When I read your letter I thought back years ago to my first few weeks as a full-time caregiver. As with any new experience, there is a lot to learn.

My direct answer to your question concerning visitation is this: rules for visitors should be whatever you and your mom want them to be. I am rather sure that this is also what the visitors want; they care about your mom or they would not take the time to visit. On the other hand, they might not understand your schedule and needs, so you need to inform them. Discuss you mom’s desires and expectations with her, as they may not be the same as yours. You may have to compromise before coming up with visiting rules that meet both of your needs. Once you decide on what the guidelines should be, write them down. Let family and friends know it would be helpful if they called before visiting. When they call, you can tell them the best times to visit. You may also want to print a copy of the guidelines and place it on the doors of your home just in case someone visits without calling first. A word of caution: word these in such a way that visitors will not feel unwelcomed. You may want to add, “We love visitors but have a schedule we need to keep, so please note the best times to visit” or something similar. Visitors are a blessing and you do not want to turn them away, just have them visit at convenient times.

Several comments in your letter indicate you may already be feeling overwhelmed. I encourage you to take care of yourself, schedule some time off from your duties, ask for help when needed and consider attending a support group for caregivers. Learn to say “yes” when someone offers to sit with your mom for a while. Plan an activity that will replenish your spirit and when the “sitter” arrives, be ready to leave. Every caregiver needs respite time and should not feel guilty about taking it.

Blessings to you and your mom as you travel this journey together.