***Question:My mother is only seventy-five years old, and though she was able to renew her driver’s license earlier this year, her doctor has now diagnosed her with mild dementia. I worry about her when she drives. However, when I suggested she give up the keys to her car, she refused. She insists she is a good driver (she has never received a ticket nor had an accident) and she doesn’t want to “be a burden to others” by asking us to take her places. Should I give in?

Answer: This is without doubt, a challenging situation. However, the answer to your question is simple: Your mom needs to relinquish the keys. To help you understand what may seem like a harsh response, let me rephrase your question.

My mother is exhibiting cognitive and intellectual deterioration and I am concerned that if she drives she may hurt herself or someone else. Should I allow her to continue to drive?

 Now, does the answer seem less severe? Of course it is difficult when your loved one is no longer able to safely operate a vehicle, but one of the roles of a caregiver is to protect. Assure your mom that she is not a burden (this is a common concern of people as they grow older and need assistance). Discuss this situation with your mother’s doctor and enlist his cooperation. It may be helpful if the directive to give up the keys comes from him. She may not understand; she may argue; she may get upset. But just as you would be firm in taking a dangerous weapon out of her reach, this is something you must do for her own safety, and the safety of others. I have a dear friend whose twenty-one-year-old daughter, Corrie, was returning to nursing school on a Sunday afternoon.  An elderly woman who had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s had wrongly entered the exit ramp of the interstate and hit Corrie’s car head-on. Both drivers died instantly.

You are familiar with the adage, “Friends don’t let friends drive drunk.” Though the circumstances of dementia are very different, the results can be alarmingly similar. Safety should be the number one concern of family and friends of loved ones who have been diagnosed with dementia but still want to drive.

Assuring your mom that you will provide transportation may help compensate her feeling of loss. As much as possible, help her maintain her current lifestyle by being – or enlisting other family members to be – her “chauffer.” Don’t wait for her to ask; offer to take her places. And remind her often, that she’s not a burden, she’s your sweet mother.