What are some common fears of care recipients? Researching this topic reveals three fears that are frequently mentioned: fear of being a burden; fear of losing control of one’s life; and fear of death.

It is important to note that some fears are healthy. Noticing an unusual change in a mole may scare you into making an appointment with a dermatologist. Studying current COVID statistics may convince you to take one or more vaccinations (or not). Riding in a car with an elderly family member who repeatedly runs off the road may alert you to the need to take away the keys. Yes, a healthy fear can lead you to take positive steps. But some fears, when not addressed, can steal our peace of mind and make us a prisoner. It can fill us with dread – instead of anticipation – of the years to come.

Stephen Curtis Chapman wrote the song At the Feet of Jesus, which includes these words: “So I will lay down my struggles, I will lay down my shame…all the fear I drag around through this life like a ball and chain.” 

As a caregiver, how can we help address these common fears?

The fear of being a burden is a common reason patients give for choosing physician-assisted suicide in states where it is legal. It is interesting that many of these patients did not consider caring for someone else a burden; but when the roles were reversed, some chose to die rather than encumber a family member. Although I have talked to people who considered their role as caregiver a burden, many more consider it a privilege and a blessing. It is important to show our loved ones, through our words and actions, that we choose to take care of them. If you are caring for a parent, remind your mom or dad of the love and care they gave you when you were young and reiterate your joy at being able to reciprocate. Lovingly expressing to a spouse that you have no greater joy than to honor your wedding vows “in sickness and in health” provides reassurance. 

The fear of losing control and being dependent on someone else to provide basic needs worries many seniors years before they actually need assistance. If a parent struggled with dementia or you observed an older sibling dealing with cognitive impairment, you may have already started dreading the day it would be your turn. Your recipient has reached this stage, and a good dose of empathy is called for as you strive to provide as much independence as possible. Encouraging your loved one to make small decisions such as what clothes wear and foods to eat can bolster their autonomy. Allowing them to make decisions about their future and assuring them that their choices will be honored will also help relieve fears. 

As caregivers, we would love to be able to alleviate our loved one’s fears, but that is not always possible. However, when it comes to the fear of dying, we do have a great resource. In a kids’ version of Pilgrim’s Progress we have watched with our grandkids, as Hopeful and Christian persist on their precarious journey to the Celestial City, an angel informed them they would have to die to get there, and then spoke these words: “Death can be peaceful or terrifying, depending on your faith.”

I have been by the bedside of many patients as they took their last breath. For those who were ready – who knew their destination and had prepared – there was peace instead of fear. I agree with the angel: one’s faith determines how one experiences death. 

Fear of death is one foreboding that we can definitely address. Hebrews 2:14-15 reads, “So that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death – that is, the devil – and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death.”

Anyone who trusts Jesus Christ as their Savior will be freed from the fear of death!

“Yeah, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.” Psalm 23:4