Last Wednesday morning, Randy woke me up with these words: “Aunt Mary died during the night.” 

It would take at least several regular-length blogs just to begin to tell you the story of Aunt Mary. I will condense. She was Randy’s mother younger sister, in her teens when Randy was born. Doted on him. Picked on him. Examples of the witticisms she used to express her love included these. When he was just a tyke, she would tell him, “Randy, you have garments on your back” or “Randy, I saw you hesitating in the street.” Both of these puns struck fear in his heart and brought tears to his eyes (and probably loud screams from his mouth). But he absolutely adored her.

When Mary was only nine years old she contracted rheumatic fever which resulted in life-long frailty, pain and crippling. However, God sent her a special prince charming when Jim Crawford’s family moved to Buffalo, Oklahoma when they were both in high school. Practically love at first sight, they married as soon as she graduated and against her doctor’s advice, she followed him to San Diego where his Naval Air Force base was located.  Through their years of married life, becoming parents, and growing old together after settling near Oklahoma City, the effects of her illness took their toll. Jim, along with their son Marc and daughter Jamie were always there for her, providing loving care. In 1999, due to calcification around her trachea, she had to have a tracheostomy. After a knee replacement in 2009, she lost her ability to walk; in 2015, her ability to speak. Bouts of aspiration pneumonia the following year greatly weakened her lungs. This past June, Mary and Jim – the high school sweethearts – celebrated their 66^th wedding anniversary. By then on a home ventilator and requiring total care, daughter Jamie shared this tribute: 

“My dad lives out his wedding vows every day. I know no marriage is perfect, but theirs comes very close. I overhear Dad throughout the day, talking to Mom, reminding her of memories and just telling her how much he loves her. I am so incredibly blessed to have them as my family.” 

In memory of Aunt Mary, and in honor of Uncle Jim’s loving caregiving through the years, today I am sharing a column I wrote for the newspaper several years ago about the emotions caregivers experience following the death of their loved one.

He’s gone. After so many years of providing constant care to one you loved so much, of putting other aspects of your life on hold to meet his needs, you wake up to an eerily quiet, empty house. There are no soft moans from the bed. No anxious calls for help from the bathroom. No angry outbursts indicating confusion has switched places with reality.

You knew this day would come. Sometimes you even dared to wonder what it would feel like. Though you did not long for the end, you occasionally wondered how much more you could withstand. When the role of caregiving is completed through the death of your loved one, it is natural to experience a range of emotions. 

Although grief is the emotion most frequently associated with losing someone close to us, relief – a feeling of reassurance following release from anxiety or distress – is often a close second for a caregiver. When you complete a monumental task and know you did your best, it is good and natural to feel relieved. It does not indicate that you regret having accepted the challenge; on the contrary, you ran the race and finished well. Some caregivers do not like to admit to these feelings as they think others may think them uncaring. Caregivers who acknowledge feelings of relief should not be judged negatively; they should be recognized as human. 

Some caregivers respond to the death of their recipient with feelings of hopelessness. Everything about their daily lives has changed. They have made sacrifices to meet another’s needs, and now that person has left them alone. In these situations, family and friends may need to intervene and encourage new and worthy pursuits. Volunteer work may be the antidote; or continuing education or rebuilding prior social relationships. Grief counseling and support groups are other avenues to optimism.

Unfortunately, guilt and regret are two emotions that may plague caregivers. No caregiver is perfect, but most do the best job of which they are capable. In hindsight, we would all do some things differently, but there is no need to weigh ourselves down regretting words and actions we cannot change. 

Anger – often directed at other family members who were missing in action during the period of caregiving – is one of the more damaging emotions experienced by caregivers. If your only contribution to a family caregiving situation was as an onlooker, I would like to make two suggestions. First, sincerely express your appreciation to the caregiver. Two, refrain from being critical of any caregiving actions or decisions. If you are the one holding on to anger because you somehow feel it is going to make the person who wronged you feel worse and you feel better – that is not going to happen. Let it go. That will make you feel better.

When a loved one dies, realize the caregiver’s emotions will be more complex than those of family members who were not directly involved in providing care. Honor the life of the one no longer with you by showing compassion, understanding and love to the one left behind. 

Caring Quote: ¹³ Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. ¹⁴ For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. ¹⁵ According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶ For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷ After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. ¹⁸ Therefore encourage one another with these words. – I Thessalonians chapter 4