Last week I wrote about the role of children as part of a caregiving family. If you have followed me for a while, you know I feel there is no place like home when it comes to caregiving. Yet, sometimes, caring for a loved one at home – for a myriad of reasons – is not possible. Today I want to respond to a question I was asked several years ago by a young mother (I’ll call her Diana) whose grandmother’s physical condition had declined significantly after she suffered a broken hip. Her doctor recommended moving her from her assisted living facility to a skilled nursing center, and seeing this as the best alternative available, the family agreed. Before the move, Diana and her three-year old daughter would visit the grandmother/great-grandmother several times a week and all three of them enjoyed each other’s company immensely. Since the move, Diana’s husband expressed concern that it was not a good idea to take their daughter to the “nursing home.” 

Here’s how I responded to her question.

Once each month, our grandchildren visit a senior center where they perform and interact with the lovely people there. The day before our last visit, as we practiced our songs, one of them asked, “Are we going to see the old people (certainly a term of endearment) tomorrow?” When I replied, “Yes, we are,” she began jumping up and down, twirling on her toes, and clapping her hands, all the while breaking forth into a big smile her face could barely contain.

There’s a special connection between the very young and the very old and the possibilities of rich interaction are numerous. The pleasure of viewing the world through the eyes of children is the consummate medication for seniors. Studies have shown that elders who spend time with little ones benefit from more energy, better health, and less depression and boredom. Moving into a nursing home can be difficult and may result in feelings of loss and loneliness, which if not addressed, may lead to mental and physical decline.

Children also benefit by learning to relate to and respect older folk. Gaining some understanding of the aging process may help lessen the common fear of “old people” that some children harbor. One of the cutting-edge innovations in nursing homes is to incorporate the presence of children by including a day care center or pre-school. I was watching a video about one of these facilities and a resident was asked what she found so enjoyable about the children. She replied, “Oh, they are so squishy – I just love to hug them.” Another said, “They make my heart full.”

So, to your question, I think that children visiting in a nursing home is a good idea. You do not say why your husband has misgivings, and he may have legitimate concerns such as your daughter being exposed to germs. An open discussion, a little research and a commitment to following appropriate guidelines should alleviate these fears. 

It is of great importance to properly supervise your daughter at all times, not allow her to sit or play on the floor, and make sure she washes her hands thoroughly when arriving and leaving. If these precautions do not placate your husband, he may prefer that the visits take place in the lobby or an outside area if one is available. 

Discontinuing weekly visits with your grandmother because of her new place of residence is likely to cause her to feel despondent as well as disappoint your daughter. I do hope you and your husband can reach an agreement on this important issue. 

Old people love children – and children should be inspired to love old people. These mutually beneficial relationships should be encouraged, not curtailed. 

Of course, I wrote the above before COVID changed everything and for the past year and a half, visitors have been severely limited in nursing homes to the great detriment of the emotional needs of residents. (And we have not been allowed to visit at the Senior Center – a great loss for us and our dear friends there.) As we begin to return to some normalcy in our lives, post pandemic, I encourage you to renew regular visits to loved ones in nursing facilities. Most states have published guidelines (a good source is the AARP Family Caregiving website) that vary but may include required scheduling of visits, outdoor visits when possible, screening, wearing of masks and physical distancing. The question of taking children to visit elderly family members in facilities may not be an easy one to answer at this juncture, but it will be a lovely day indeed when children are once again allowed to brighten up the halls of nursing homes. 

Caring Quote: “Children are the hands by which we take hold of Heaven.” – Henry Ward Beecher (1813-1887)

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