Although it has been some time since I have been in the role of a full-time caregiver, my heart is with all of you who are. I remember the days well.

When I am in public, I seem to have a radar detector for caregivers; I can usually spot them immediately. Sometimes I even approach them to give a few words of encouragement or hand them my business card so they can check out this blog. These impromptu meetings have occasionally developed into heart-to-heart dialogues and even a few friendships.

Another way I keep in touch with my caregiving roots is visiting in homes of care recipients. Since childhood I have had great affection for the elderly; now, whenever I write that word, I am reminded that some people may think I fit into that category…

There are several special people I try to visit on a regular basis. They always welcome me with open arms and they always have a lot to talk about. My role is to listen.

Last week I was visiting one of these special people. She has end-stage cancer and is undergoing the usual harsh treatments cancer patients endure. Most of her hair is gone but she is still lovely in face and spirit, and emotionally, well let’s just say our times together cheer me up.

At this visit I was concerned to see that she seemed despondent. Immediately I wondered if the doctor had given her adverse news, but that was not the case. The reason this generous woman who always strives to please others was downcast was this: she had been harshly scolded by someone who should have known better – a medical assistant in the clinic. My friend’s offense? She was almost three minutes late for her scheduled appointment.  Actually, she arrived at the office on time, but after being checked in and processed (I used that term on purpose) the clock read three minutes past the appointed hour. 

Remember, this elderly lady has a diagnosis of terminal cancer, is bravely undergoing life-prolonging treatments, and arrived on time for a daunting procedure. And the staff person assigned to “assist” her scolded her for being late? 

“No, she didn’t!” I gasped in response to my friend’s disclosure.

“Yes, she did. It made me feel so bad.”

Well, I guess so…especially combined with everything else going on.

The reason I shared this account of my friends’ unfortunate encounter was to make two points.

First, health care workers can be rude. Health care workers can be delightful. Health care workers can be neither rude nor delightful – just present. I have worked with all three types. I 

have received care from all three types. Of course, all of us would prefer the delightful ones, because they do make an amazing difference in the overall experience. But occasionally that may not be the case. So, what do we do?

Generally, it is best to overlook minor infractions, or respond in a way that makes a valid statement without making a fuss…. such as, with a smile on your face and a judicious tone of voice: “Well, I’d like to see you be on time for every appointment when you have as many as I do and you are as old and sick as me…but I do hope that never happens to you.”

However, clearly rude and inappropriate behavior should be reported immediately to the office manager. I conferred with a woman who oversees a large medical practice, and she agrees. She stated she wants to know whenever any staff person steps out of line with a patient. In fact, she leaves her card in the waiting rooms with a note to contact her with any reports of  unpleasant experiences. The purpose is not to rebuke but to correct and teach. This is an important consideration because many patients do not want to report because they are concerned the staff person will “get in trouble.” None of us want that, but neither should we overlook mistreatment by health-care personnel. If no one reports, changes will not be made.

My second point is the importance of elderly patients being accompanied by a caregiver at medical appointments. Having a caregiver who serves as companion and advocate is always beneficial at doctor appointments. It should be considered imperative if the patient shows signs of cognitive decline or confusion. Limitations have been set because of COVID, but I notice some offices are making exceptions for caregivers. Caregivers should always feel free to ask for an exception if they feel it is needed.  

In my friend’s situation, she was already on her way to the treatment area, and therefore would not have been accompanied by a family member or other caregiver. So how do you protect your loved one from rude behavior when you cannot be present? Advise him/her to always feel free to report to you anything that takes place that makes them feel uncomfortable, whether words or actions. They need to understand this will not cause trouble for them or the staff person but will help to assure they receive the best of care. If your recipient does report a troubling episode to you, stay calm, use discernment and follow-through appropriately. Patients who have dementia or are otherwise unable to accurately report mistreatment require close observation and vigilance on the part of the caregiver. 

This has not been a pleasant subject – but incidents of mistreatment by staff do take place in health care settings, and we need to respond in a way that will prevent future occurrences. Good advice for all: Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32