Whenever I hear (or read) that word, my mind’s eye evokes a vision of Tevye, the narrator and main character of Fiddler of the Roof. A leader in his close-knit Jewish community, the husband of Golde and father to five young daughters, this story reveals the struggles he faces as his small world faces cultural upheavals. He poses a question to the audience. 

“How do we keep our balance?” and responds to the rhetorical question himself with one word: “Tradition!”

As he rhythmically gyrates along a rutted dirt road, his aged horse pulling a creaky milk cart, Tevye continues the one-way conversation. “…how did our traditions get started? I don’t know…but because of them everyone knows who he is and what God expects him to do. Without traditions our lives would be as shaky as a fiddler on the roof.”

He gazes toward the western sky. A bronze sunset silhouettes a quirky character standing on the roof of a house, passionately playing a fiddle. One foot is poised on the highest gable and the other positioned on the slopping roof. This mysterious man (who, it should be noted, appears only to Tevye) does look rather precarious.

As a caregiver, you may at some point have experienced that feeling of “being as shaky as a fiddler on the roof.”

Was 2020 the year you were introduced to the joys and responsibilities of caring for a loved one? Did your caregiving days end abruptly when the one you have cared for over many seasons die? Or has your situation changed in other ways – a parent progressing to a more difficult stage of Alzheimer’s or a spouse receiving a diagnosis you never imagined possible? Not to mention, most families have been affected by COVID – 19 this year, some more than others. 

How do we keep our balance during these difficult days? Tevye would advise us to keep tradition, the transmission of customs or beliefs from generation to generation.

While Tevye and his neighbors considered tradition their life, in our more modern times (Fiddler on the Roof was set in 1905) we are more likely to adopt some family traditions which are an important part of, but not considered inherent to lifestyle. Therefore, when circumstances surrounding us make a sea change, we can reorder our priorities accordingly. That may mean making drastic or minor changes in “the way we have always done it.” It some situations it may be beneficial to leave behind a time-honored tradition or exchange it for a more appropriate new one. Every family should consider it a right to do either, when it is deemed best for family unity.

After the diagnosis of a dire disease or the loss of a loved one, a family member may lament, “Oh, things will never be the same again.” And that is often true, but it does not mean that life cannot be worthwhile. My heartfelt speculation is that the family member you have lost or are losing would not want you to allow your own life to grind to a halt on their account.  

This can be a balancing act – like the fiddler on the roof. Family members display various levels of emotional maturity. Each person grieves differently. Some are more sentimental that others. And usually, there is one or more who just seems difficult. But all are loved.

If the majority (I started to write “everyone” but realized what a tall order that is in most families) considers a particular tradition vitally important to family cohesiveness, then everything possible should be done to continue that custom. If the person you are caring for has strong feelings about a particular observance, by all means do your best to make it happen. On the other hand, if a tradition has passed its prime and little interest is shown – especially an event that consumes energy, time and finances without giving much in return, ask for suggestions to replace it with something more meaningful that can be enjoyed by all. 

Through the years, as our family has grown to 36 including grandparents, parents and children, we have had to let go of some traditions – such as Grammy’s every-other-Saturday-night Bed and Breakfast – because of a lack of space and energy (Grammy and Papa’s – not the kids). Those special times have been replaced by age-directed gatherings such as tea parties and cooking classes. Instead of feeling melancholy when I hear the older kids talk about the good old days, I remind myself to be thankful I had the opportunity to make those memories and to focus on new ways I can show all the grandkids how much I love them. I treasure the Sunday School class I teach every week to the ten youngest; I thoroughly enjoy teaching several home school classes to those in-between; last night we went out to eat with the two oldest still-at-home granddaughters at a fancy restaurant and had a lovely time. We were their guests; now that just may be our favorite new tradition!

Traditions can serve as beautiful, family-uniting activities. Occasionally, when circumstances beyond our control occur, being determined to maintain them can cause angst. As life situations alter, as we grow older, as children (and then grandchildren) marry, as babies are born…we must often adapt to make everyone feel included, special and loved…to maintain balance in the family and remind each member who he is and what God expects him to do. May God bless you and your family and guide you as you follow old or create new family traditions.

Caring Quote: 

Family traditions old and new,

What works for me may not work for you.

The important thing is we work together

TO make memories that will last forever.

Stacy Coles