If you’ve been with me awhile, you know that when it comes to words and conversations relating to caregiving, there are two pet peeves that stand out. The first is calling someone by a “pet name” when you have not earned that right, i.e. my husband can call me sweety but not the nurse at my doctor’s office (nor the receptionist nor the lab tech nor the check-out lady at the grocery store for that matter); the second is caregivers who speak to their recipient in baby-talk.

These may not bother you; you may practice both of them and if they make you and your recipient happy, so be it. 

One of the most flawed but often repeated adages is “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Someone, somewhere must have believed that because it is a popular saying I remember well from childhood…but anyone who has ever had their spirit crushed by hateful words or their heart broken by a verbally abusive “loved one” will beg to differ. After all, God made a process by which bones heal on their own in time (and with a little support from a cast); broken spirits and hearts tend to require a more circuitous cure.

I just finished preparing the Sunday school lesson for my class tomorrow. It is made up of the ten youngest grandkids, ranging in age from 2 – 7; I use a variety of teaching methods including an occasional video in an effort to catch and keep their attention. Currently, we are in the middle of a series on the Ten Commandments, which means Commandment number 6 – You shall not murder – is on the agenda. Considering this might be a rather difficult topic to teach this age group, I turned to Douglas, a furry little purple man with orange hair on a you-tube video. He did a lovely job, pointing out that all life has value since we are made in God’s image. Noting that most people do not actually ever “murder” anyone, he referred to Jesus’ comments in the New Testament that to be angry with or hate someone causes us to break this commandment, adding that we must always show kindness in our words and actions. My experience is that people, generally, are more apt to say something mean than do something mean. Both are wrong and should never take place in a caregiving situation. I do not think anyone reading this would disagree that our words should always be kind.

Sometimes we seem to forget the importance of just having meaningful conversations with each other. Yesterday I stopped by a dear friend’s home. Her husband, the man she had loved and cared for over fifty years – including the last several with Alzheimer’s – died recently. When she opened the door, she inquired, “Who are you.” I pulled my mask to the side and replied, “Ruthie” – the name she first knew me by many, many years ago. As soon as she recognized me, she grabbed my arm and pulled me inside. “You can stay awhile, can’t you?” was almost a plea

“If you’ll let me,” I responded, mentally noting that the errands I had planned for the afternoon would need to be postponed. Well worth it. She needed to talk, and I needed to listen. A two-hour heart-to-heart colloyquy, sprinkled with occasional poignant utterances, followed. 

So many times – at home and especially in care facilities – loved ones are left alone with no one to talk to. Too often, obnoxious television shows drone in the background, supposedly providing a degree of a sense of company. The same is true for many caregivers. Besides their recipient, they often have no one with whom they can share heartfelt conversation.

The message here for the caregiver is to make sure you take time throughout the day to talk – really talk – with the person you are caring for. Hopefully they will be able to interact, and you can enjoy a back-and-forth format. If they are no longer able to speak coherently due to dementia or another malady, it is still important to sit down, hold their hand, and talk to them.

The message for those who have a friend or family member who is a caregiver is to go out of your way to make sure that person has someone to talk to on a regular basis. And do not forget those who have recently loss their loved one. Their need for a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen is also great. Remember that you do not have to conjure up interesting topics to discuss. Listen and let the other person lead. Times of silence, spent together, can also be therapeutic. 

Caring Quote: Kinds words are like honey – sweet to the should and healthy for the body. Proverbs 16:24