Caregiver to Caregiver

Flaw – a mistake or shortcoming in a plan that causes it to fail or reduces its effectiveness

Even the best-intentioned caregivers sometime make the mistake of looking at their recipient as a child instead of a person who has lived many years and deserves to be treated with the respect that all adults deserve. Your loved one may digress into childlike behavior as his mental and/or physical condition deteriorates, but your responsibility is to avoid responding to him as you would a young person for whom you are babysitting. That leads me to my first point. Never refer to the care you provide as “babysitting.” 

There are several areas of caregiving in which it would be easy to act in a way that does not sufficiently recognize your recipient as an adult. Let’s talk about some of these.

(Although this article refers to the relationship between parent and child, the principles can also be applied in other caregiving relationships, such as spouses and siblings.) 

Decision Making. Recently a daughter asked my advice about placing her mother in a nursing facility. My reply was “What does your mother want?” The daughter seemed surprised, even though she had told me her mother’s cognition was fully intact. When that is the case, then the desire of the recipient should be the first consideration in making decisions regarding care. It will not always be possible to fulfill every desire – but that should be the goal of care. As much as possible, decisions should be made to reflect the course your elderly loved one chooses. 

Because there is always the potential that a person may experience mental decline that would prevent him from making his own decisions, it is crucial to prepare a living will before any such decline takes place. Then the caregiver should follow those requests.

Communication. Please do not talk to your recipient as if he is a child or allow others to do so. Pet names and pronouncing words in a babyish way, i. e. “Are you hungry for your din-din now?” is so demoralizing to an older person. You do not have to change your normal voice or words used to carry on a conversation with an older person. You may have to speak more slowly, a little louder (do not scream), and with clarity, especially if there is the presence of cognitive decline or dementia.  Ephesians 4:29 gives great advice for pleasant communication for people of all ages and stages: Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. 

Independence. Sometimes it is tempting (and easier) to do everything for your recipient, even when he is capable of doing many of those things for himself, such as shave, brush teeth, choose clothes to wear, etc. It is good to encourage your loved one to do as much as possible for himself. Being too domineering may even diminish the abilities your recipient continues to possess – “use it or loose it.”  Many elderly feel they have lost control over their lives.  Allowing them to participate in their daily care as much as possible will help prevent this sense of loss. 

Dignity. I can still remember how incensed I felt when a home-health aide stripped my father-in-law naked in his living room and led him by the hand across that room, into the hallway and toward the bathroom door. I had been preparing supper in the kitchen but caught this scene out of the corner of my eye. Good grief – what was she thinking? As soon as I was aware of her actions, I grabbed a throw off the sofa and ran after her – catching up just as she was leading this dear man into the bathroom. I placed the throw around his shoulders and she looked at me in surprise. “Oh, I’m getting him ready for his bath.” 

It may be befitting to allow a toddler to streak through the living room on the way to his bath – but an eighty-year-old man? 

Well, I gave her an earful…very politely, of course. I let her know the place to prepare for a bath is the…bathroom!  I also suggested she not take off his clothes when visitors were present. She said she didn’t consider me a visitor. 

She is not the first “professional” caregiver I have seen act in such an inappropriate way, and I am sure she will not be the last. I observed situations such as this many times in the facilities in which I worked. Unfortunately, I have observed instances of dignity-neglect in homes as well, but hardly ever by family members. I do believe the familial love connection makes a difference in this area. It seems family members are usually good at “doing unto others how they would have others do unto them.” Just think what it would be like to be stripped naked by a virtual stranger and led through a room with other people present.

Of course, modesty is just one aspect of maintaining dignity. It is also important to be patient, kind and empathic in all your actions, giving honor to whom honor is due.

Consider how you would feel if you had to turn your care over to someone for whom you had taken care of since birth. More to the point, think about what it will be like when you are no longer able to care for yourself and must depend on another. It can be a role reversal ripe for resentment if anything other than respect is the guiding principle. Your parent is not your child; but you will always be your parent’s child even when you take on the additional role of caregiver.

Caring Quote: “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Ephesians 6:2-3