Caregiver to Caregiver

This Thanksgiving the broccoli casserole I have prepared for our family dinner (for years!) will have more broccoli and less cheese, a nod to my mission to improve our family’s nutrition. Of course, add in the turkey, ham and roast (we have a big family with diverse taste buds), mac and cheese, and mashed potatoes – not to mention the array of homemade pies for dessert – and a little more broccoli and little less cheese probably will not make a big difference. It is a small change, but one I can get away with without breaking tradition.

This may be the first Thanksgiving you are celebrating while also serving as a caregiver. Maybe this will be the first Thanksgiving in many years that your caregiving services are no longer required, as your loved one has passed away. If the death was recent, you may still be in a state of bereavement. Or maybe, you know in your heart that this Thanksgiving will be the last one that your recipient will be with you.

How do you celebrate this special day set aside to count our blessings when you are going through a difficult time, even feeling that your burdens are much heavier than your blessings?

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

– Count Your Blessings, Johnson Oatman, Jr. (1897)

Hmm…some song lyrics are not as pragmatic as they are poetic, but there is truth in the idea that considering the good aspects in our lives helps us cope with the difficult ones.

The situations I listed above – new caregiver, no longer a caregiver, bereaved caregiver, or a caregiver experiencing anticipatory grief – come with various challenges. The scenarios differ considerably and responses are as numerous as are individuals. There is no one right – or wrong – way to approach celebrating Thanksgiving or other holidays. Following are some thoughts that may help you find your mode of celebrating this Thanksgiving.

1. Tradition may be considered unwritten law in some families, but you do not have to do everything exactly the same way it was always done in the past. Shame on anyone who would make a caregiver feel guilty for not honoring custom. As circumstances change, family members need to be willing to do what is best in the new situation instead of insisting that every tradition be ritualistically observed.
2. Ask for – and expect to receive – assistance. Have you always been the hostess with the most-ess, insisting on doing most of the planning, preparation and post-cleaning? If you are now a full-time caregiver and have neither the time or space, recruit another family member to open their home. You can still contribute your famous green bean casserole or sumptuous brownstone cake (if you want to), but let others carry the load. If you just cannot imagine celebrating Thanksgiving any other place, let your guests provide the meal and clean up afterwards while you and your care recipient bask in the glow of familial love.
3. Holidays are often bittersweet for caregivers, especially when a loved one has recently died or is in the last stages of life. While the way in which you celebrate may change, if you can find room in your heart, do not refuse to acknowledge these days. Gathering with other family members – some of whom may have felt neglected at times – will renew relationships and instill hope for the future. Sweet memories of past celebrations with your loved one will be stirred, and if you allow them, they can help ease the pain of loss.
4. Keep the needs of your care recipient in mind as you make plans and include him in the festivities as much as possible. I am often asked what steps should be taken to care for someone with dementia in a social situation. My advice is not to make a big deal about it. If a problem arises, deal with it as discreetly as possible. Most people with dementia respond to love and kindness in the same way we all do.
5. Be thankful! No one’s life is perfect. We all will die eventually. Our lives will be better-lived if we recognize daily – not just on Thanksgiving – that we do indeed have many blessings. Make a list of yours, and be sure and put “being a caregiver” at the top.

May you and your family have a blessed – a very blessed – Thanksgiving.

 

*Check out other Thanksgiving articles in the archives under “Holidays.”