Caregiver to Caregiver

As with many matters in life, how we face the approaching death of a close family member depends on our faith. As a Christian, I recognize that death is inevitable but not the end; that there will be grief, but not to the degree of that experienced by those who do not have hope in Christ and eternal life; that the process will be difficult, but that God will give strength, comfort, and yes – even peace – as we travel through that lonesome valley.

While attending college, I worked as an electrocardiogram technician at a local hospital. This included being on-call several nights a week. Medical science has advanced a great deal in this area, but at that time, an on-call tech was responsible for hooking up the patient (with “glue” and small suction cups) to the machine and activating it to produce a printed graph of the patient’s heart activity. This would occur in emergency situations such as a heart attack or a serious vehicular accident. More than once, the graph that printed out was a straight-line. This was my introduction to death. Every situation was sad, but because I had no emotional connection to the patients, I was able to run back to my apartment (which was only a block from the hospital emergency entrance) and fall back to sleep. 

Most people who require caregivers are not going to recover from their health problems. There are exceptions, but more often, the recipient has been diagnosed with a terminal illness such as Alzheimer’s, Lou Gehrig’s disease, or end-stage cancer. Sometimes there is a combination of multiple health problems along with advanced age that will eventually culminate in death.

According to the National Alliance for Caregiving, the duration of an average caregiver’s responsibilities is four years. Thirty percent of caregivers provide care for less than a year; twenty-four percent serve in their role for more than five years; fifteen percent have a caregiving duration of ten or more years.  

When our family became my Dad’s full time caregiver when he was 87 years old and in the early stages of Alzheimer’s, I distinctly remember praying that God would give us at least a year with him. He blessed us with almost five. From the beginning, I knew Daddy would not be getting better physically or mentally, but I never considered that the time we would have together would not be fulfilling for Daddy and us. We were not just taking care of him until he died; we were helping him live out the remainder of the days God would give him with joy, love and blessings.

I had lived away from my parents most of my married life. (That’s what happens when you move from North Carolina to New York and meet and fall in love with a guy from Oklahoma.) I regretted I had not been able to spend more time with Mama before she died, and I was determined to make up some of that lost time with Daddy.

When you accept the responsibility of traveling on this journey with your loved one, perspective is important. 

Some of the things I determined to do:

• Spend as much quality time together as possible.
• Include him in our family’s activities whenever we could.
• Enhance his “social” life by taking him to visit his many friends and family members, some who were in nursing homes.
• Ask him questions about his life – and his thoughts about the future. Almost every day I heard him pray, “Lord, take me home to be with you,” so I knew he had already made plans.
• Structure life to be as “normal” as possible.
• Make him comfortable, especially as his physical limitations increased and his cognitive abilities decreased. Take all needed steps to maintain his personal dignity.
• Continue to celebrate milestones and holidays together. It was such a pleasure to have him attend the weddings of two of our children and introduce him to our three oldest grandchildren. His 90th birthday party at his church fellowship hall was a memorable celebration – and he got to visit with family members and friends while he could still participate and enjoy the fellowship.
• Provide the most important things from his point of view – church attendance, Bible reading, prayer, and being able to listen to his beloved preachers and music on his favorite Christian radio station (which now, by the way, has become mine).
• Not focus on impending death but treasure each day of life. Still, I wanted him Daddy to make some important decisions. He did not cower from talking about dying but saw it as a glorious day when he would be united with Mama and in the presence of Jesus. One day, while his cognitive abilities were still somewhat intact, we talked about what his funeral would be like. He made it clear who he wanted to officiate (Edna Holshouser, the widow of a former beloved pastor) and what songs he wanted sung (Coronation Day and It is Well with My Soul). While having this conversation can be distressing, many recipients appreciate the opportunity to express their personal desires. When the time comes, you will be so thankful to have this information. Anyone who has waited to make funeral or memorial service plans until death takes place will understand why it is such a good idea to plan ahead of time. 
• To let Daddy know every day how much he was loved.

Next week, we will talk more specifically about preparing for death and what to expect. 

Caring quote: Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. I Thessalonians 4:13 (NIV).