Losing a spouse to Alzheimer’s
My dear, sweet uncle – the last one on either side of the family – sat in his wheelchair at one of the round tables in the fellowship hall. He hugged my hand tightly, brought it to his face and gently kissed my knuckles. I gave him a big hug but could not get out any words at that moment….
After seventy-two years of marriage, his beloved wife had succumbed to Alzheimer’s. The last few months were very difficult for both of them. Family and friends had just come from the cemetery, just a few steps from the church where a memorial service had been held to honor the ninety-years of life of this beautiful (inside and out) woman. The tombstone had already been in place – with both of their names and dates of birth – just waiting for those final numbers. You could say this couple had prepared for the inevitable. When you have a strong faith in God, and know that death is not really the end, it makes it easier to plan.
Finally, I choked out the words: “How are you doing?”
He began a rather lengthy narrative, telling me that at first he couldn’t stop crying, until he heard a “sweet” voice whisper to him. “Why are you crying? She’s with Me.”
He went on to tell me, “I know, especially later on, it’s going to be hard, but after I heard that voice, I think I’m going to be okay.”
I hugged him, kissed the top of his head, and commented on his recently cut hair – this man does not look like he’s in his nineties. He is still handsome, still has a mischievous grin. When I see that smile, it always reminds me of my mother, his only older sister in a houseful of boys. You could say she was partial to her baby brother.
Usually, he has difficulty hearing, but today he responded appropriately to everything I said, leading me to believe his hearing aid was well-tuned.
Except for short periods of time when she was a patient in re-hab, my uncle and aunt were able to stay together as their health deteriorated, thanks to in-home health-care. Until the very end, they usually sat within touching distance of each other in matching recliners. In their bedroom, their hospital beds were arranged side by side. The last time my husband and I visited, just a few days before she died, we had carried on a lengthy conversation with my uncle while she slept. Occasionally, he would try to arouse her, telling her she had visitors. At one point he sighed, “She’s really not doing well. She told me the other day she wants to go to heaven.”
As we prepared to leave, he asked us to pray for them. I asked God for His will to be done and that He hold them both close to Him.
I know he will have times of grief, but I am so thankful for the words of scripture, “…that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.” (I Thessalonians 4:13)
The same caregivers that provided quality, loving care to both of them, will continue to take care of my uncle at his home. His two sons and their wives live close by and he has been blessed with lots of grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
He will receive the support that he needs during this difficult time: frequent visits from family and friends; lots of opportunities to share memories about his life-long companion; and heart-felt prayers. I know he will have mine.