Will somebody please listen to me?
Although caregivers may not frequently voice the above plea, I suspect a desire of many caregivers’ hearts is to just have someone listen to them. Sometimes, more than anything, they just need a friend who will sit quietly and listen while they pour out their concerns for the day, their fears for the future, or even their hurts from the past.
My life-long friends would readily testify that I am a good talker. I have had lots of experience and enjoy expressing my views and engaging in lively conversation. Being a good listener is something I have had to learn.
The first step to becoming an effective listener is discerning when someone needs to talk. One day a friend called and asked if I could meet her for lunch in a couple of hours. We frequently met for lunch, but had always scheduled our times together in advance. Her spur of the moment invitation (and the urgency in her tone) suggested that her real hunger was to have someone listen to her. I quickly rearranged my schedule so we could meet. During our lunch she revealed that she was facing a family crisis, and I was thankful I had sensed her need to talk.
But do not wait for a caregiver to call. Because caregiving can be an isolating role, it is important to reach out to the caregivers you know. They may be busy, tired or feel overwhelmed – but would be receptive to a listening ear if offered. A sincere, “If you need someone to listen, I’m available,” may be just the invitation for which they have been yearning.
A recent Facebook posting pointed out that, “the words ‘listen’ and ‘silent’ are composed with the same letters.” That’s a good way to remember that to be a good listener, we must learn to stop talking and repress the urge to match every comment and story with ones of our own. Instead, pay attention, maintain eye contact, and respond appropriately with gestures or words that let your friend know you are intently listening and genuinely interested in what she is saying.
A good rule to follow is to not suggest solutions to problems unless asked; and then tread prudently. Instead of offering your own opinion when asked, “What should I do?” encourage the speaker to come up with remedies by asking, “What are some of the ideas you have considered?” Realize it is possible to be a great listener without having all the answers and feeling compelled to give advice. Dr. Steven Covey, in his best-selling book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” writes: “Most persons don’t listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Learn to heed the cry of the speaker’s heart, rather than focusing on providing an impressive response; this is a conversation, not a debate.
An important – maybe the most important – consideration of being a good listener is to maintain confidentially. A friendly conversation is not governed by HIPPA rules, but it is imperative to not betray the trust your caregiver friend has placed in you. Repeating what has been confided in private automatically disqualifies one’s “good listener” status.
One final suggestion: if at all possible, meet and talk in person, preferably in a pleasant setting that provides a modicum of privacy. While meeting in a public place is convenient, I love inviting people to my home where time is less constrained and intrusions less likely. Face-to-face encounters, especially when discussing serious matters, provide the opportunity to also “hear” facial expressions and other body language. Not to mention, hands to hold and shoulders to cry on are readily available.
Caring Quote: Speak in such a way that others love to listen to you; listen in such a way that others love to speak to you. Anonymous