Caregiver to Caregiver

Going shopping – especially to the grocery store – has always been a social event for me (at least since I turned fifty). Ordering on-line, having someone else pick-out your groceries and delivering them to your car may be great for my daughters with many mouths to feed but I prefer to actually go into the store, explore the offerings, and choose items myself. Especially produce. The cantaloupes have to smell just right. (I got that talent from my mom who was often heard to say to my dad, “Boyd, the cantaloupes are ready to pick!” just by sniffing the air wafting in the kitchen through a wide-opened window.) 

Besides doing my own choosing, I enjoy engaging in conversations with other like-minded shoppers. I have never worn a sign on me that says, “Go, ahead, ask me a question,” but something about my facial expression must convey that because I am frequently pulled aside and asked, “Are those liquid eggs as good as real eggs?” or “If I use the low-fat mozzarella, will it ruin my lasagna?” Answers: In baked products, “yes” and btw, the contents are real eggs; I’ve only used high-fat once (when I could not find low-fat) and I could not tell the difference.

Now that the COVID rules have changed and I (along with fellow-vaccinated shoppers) are no longer required to wear a mask, the questions and conversations have once again become a welcome component of shopping. My social life has improved dramatically.

As I was strolling down the dairy aisle the other day, I noticed the cutest elderly couple trying to decide between mild and sharp cheddar. It is my goal to always share friendly words with the older folk. This gray-haired twosome looked so much alike, I just had to ask.

“How long have you two been married?”

She looked up in surprise and he chuckled. “We’re not married,” she replied, almost in a whisper.

“Uh-oh!” I thought to myself. “What do I say now?”

“She would have made a good wife, but I couldn’t marry her. She’s my sister.”

“Oh….”I silently sighed in relief. “That’s why you look so much alike!” I spoke in affirmation.

The ensuing conversation could have been awkward or embarrassing (or not taken place at all) but the siblings were so good-natured it was instead interesting and uplifting. They told me how each had lost their spouse of over sixty years just a few months apart two years ago. Both served as caregivers. Now they look out for each other.

Still, it was a good reminder to think carefully before uttering a conversation starter. 

When talking to people with memory loss or any type of dementia, we should always take care to think before we speak. I have seen many “how-to” lists for caregivers on this subject  and today I will mention a few guidelines that will help you to avoid difficult verbal exchanges and encourage pleasant conversations.

1. Use common words and short sentences. Giving a long set of instructions to someone with memory loss is at the least unproductive and at the worst exasperating. Take one step at a time. “Put on your socks.” “Here are your shoes; slip them on.” “Now we can walk out to the car together.” “Your doctor’s appointment is in thirty minutes.”  That’s much better than barking, “You have to be at the doctor’s office in thirty minutes. Put on your shoes and socks so we can go out and get in the car.” 
2. Do not argue. Some people think I like to argue. I do not. I was on the debate team in high school. I enjoy discussing compelling subjects with those who are willing and can keep their cool. But I know there is no benefit in disagreeing with someone who lacks the cognitive ability to understand, let alone define, the parameters of a dispute. Do not go there. Do not disagree, even when the person is wrong – because it does no good. I have found that the best response is simply to change the subject. Distract. Refocus. Use kind and thoughtful words.
3. When possible, ask questions that can be answered with “yes” or “no.” These are much easier to answer than an open-ended question which requires deeper thought and sometimes a memory which is no longer there. For example, “Did you enjoy your breakfast?” rather than “What did you have for breakfast?” 
4. Speaking of memories, since loss of short-term memory is the most common symptom of dementia, avoid using phrases such as, “Do you remember…?” which can frustrate your loved one. It may be helpful to say, “I remember the last time your sister Frances visited and what a nice time we had together,” and then describe the details of the visit. On the other hand, long-term memories often remain in the recesses of the mind and should be encouraged through photos and reminders that can bring them back to life. I was often amazed at the stories my dad would tell about his childhood, young adult and early married years – even though he could not remember that his brother had visited earlier that morning.
5. This may be the hardest “no-no” of communication when dementia is present, but it is important to refrain from scolding your loved one for asking the same question over and over and over and over. Yes. I have been there. This requires a lot of patience and some practice, but your best response is to gently repeat what you have already said previously – even when you have said it numerous times. The worst response is, “I’ve already told you!” or similar reprimands. Remember that it not your loved one’s fault that memories fade away.
6. Just a few more key words to remember: Tone – keep it low and loving. It is amazing how someone with dementia can grasp your attitude through the tone of your voice. Background – avoid loud/obnoxious background noises when possible. These can be confusing and prevent someone from actually hearing, let alone understanding spoken words. Touch – communicating through touch is a valuable tool for caregivers. Gentle hugs, handholding and just sitting close to each other can convey feelings of worth, joy, love and peace to someone with dementia. Highly recommended. Use often.

Caring Quote: Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14

In the future, new Caregiver to Caregiver blogs will be posted on Tuesday mornings. rzwj